We, humans are born to be together. To establish bonds, it is essential that we show love, care and responsibility to others. The key to be close to anybody is safety and trust. If you are safe in someone’s company and can trust in him or her, it will not take much to have a positive and close relationship with that person. However, this vocabulary rarely shops up for people who already feel safe and trust others. In NLP sessions, I often notice how the only people who talk about safety and trusting are those who feel unsafe and do not trust. For the people who feel those emotions already, they do not need to think about them. They do not wander through the streets thinking “Wow I feel so safe” they just get on with life.

It’s the same too with rapport. Those who connect wouldn’t necessarily take the time to analyse that connection because they are too busy feeling good in the other persons company. Those who are sitting around wondering what to say and why it is that they do not feel good when around a particular person will be thinking about rapport.

Further on in relationships, other complications emerge. You begin to learn more about the real person and the sales persona is gone. Sales persona? Yes this is what happens when you first meet someone you like. To begin you are trying to sell them the idea of being with you. You laugh politely at their jokes, tell them they look nice and refrain from farting in bed. A few months down the line and the sales persona is gone. The real slightly sarcastic and moody bed- farting- you springs into action and your new partner is wondering where is all went wrong. The honeymoon period is over!

Now let’s add some NLP into the equation. Let’s imagine that in this relationship you have extracted your values for relationships, found any negative away from values and discovered the significant emotional event that caused those negative away from values. You used an NLP technique like Parts, or Change Personal History to blast the away-froms and had new values for relationships where you didn’t worry about safety and trusting because they were there as a standard part of the package and you expect them to continue.

Let assume also that you know how to get the best possible connection with someone because you understood their main sensory system and adjusted your behavior to suit it. Furthermore, let also throw in a bit of training on the Satir catagories so that if there is ever any unwanted friction, you know how to level things out again.

And finally, how about if you also held yourself to a higher standard- that same high standard that we identified before, where you made the effort to laugh at the cheesy jokes, say “you look nice” as if you mean it and at least say “pardon me” after farting in bed.

Alternatively, you could not learn these things. You could continue the cycle of things being ok, then things not being as nice as they were before- which may be in a current relationship or a process you experience in many different relationships. We humans are born to be together, but we do also need to be happy in our togetherness. Learning NLP will show you just how possible that is- and the worst case scenario is that you become much more tolerant of other people (so the farting in bed doesn’t bother you so much anymore!)

By Gemma Bailey

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