People Building

Grief is a multifaceted reaction to loss, mainly when it involves the departure of someone or something to which we have formed a connection. According to Wikipedia, this complex emotion encompasses feelings and physical, cognitive, behavioural, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms “bereavement” and “grief” are often used interchangeably, they denote different concepts: bereavement refers to the state of loss, while grief describes the emotional response to that loss.

During periods of grief, individuals often find themselves engulfed in a profound emptiness, akin to being trapped within a bubble while life and the world continue unabated around them. Connecting with others who share similar feelings can offer solace. Yet, the absence of such connections may lead to a deep sense of isolation reminiscent of wandering through a dark tunnel.

Loss can manifest in various forms, triggering grief whether it stems from death, the end of a relationship, friends moving away, or significant life changes. At 18, I experienced a pivotal moment when my first car, an orange Mini, was struck by a petrol tanker while I was inside. The impact was catastrophic, leaving my beloved vehicle “killed instantly” while I emerged relatively unscathed.

The shock of the incident lingered for a week, especially when I considered how close I had come to serious injury due to a few minor variables. Beyond the shock, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. That little car symbolised my newfound freedom and adulthood, marking my entry into a special club that not all my friends could join. I had invested my hard-earned money into maintaining it, even though it had little monetary value. It was a source of pride, always kept clean and lovingly repaired whenever it broke down.

In the days following its “death,” my grief was compounded by the knowledge that I had taken good care of this piece of machinery, which, in its final moments, had shielded me from harm. Yes, I understand it was “just a car”—a sentiment echoed by those around me—but I still felt the pain, as if a heavy weight had been dropped onto my stomach. I was unexpectedly upset, reminiscing about the good times, which deepened my sorrow. I became withdrawn, stressed, and struggled to sleep for some time.

In the aftermath, I found myself making arrangements akin to a funeral. I had to contact the insurance company, the tanker’s firm, the DVLA, and even visit the hospital for a physical assessment. Generally, I consider myself a practical and strong-willed person, yet I recognised that my grief was valid, regardless of the object of my loss.

The key takeaway is that grief can arise from various circumstances, and while common themes exist, each person’s reaction is unique. People find comfort in different ways, and here are some strategies that worked for me:

Firstly, organising the practical aspects of the situation helped me navigate the emotional turmoil. Sorting through paperwork, clearing out belongings, and finding new homes for them provided a sense of control.
Secondly, gathering cherished memories is essential, even if they are not solely positive. For instance, my old Mini had its petrol cap stolen—a source of anxiety at the time. Years later, my mother discovered that my petrol cap was among the tree branches cut down from outside her house. I’ve kept it as a reminder of my car’s vulnerabilities, which is a valuable lesson. When grieving a relationship, it can be beneficial to remember that not everything was perfect, allowing for a more nuanced and realistic reflection.

Lastly, it is essential to recognise that grief’s pain diminishes over time. However, there will be good days and bad. Generally, the intensity of grief lessens, and you begin to feel more like yourself again. The timeline for healing is personal, and while future reflections may still evoke sadness, you will gradually find a path toward recovery.
Incorporating techniques from NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) can further enhance the healing process. NLP offers tools to reframe thoughts and emotions, enabling individuals to approach their grief from a fresh perspective. By learning to reshape their internal dialogue, people can cultivate resilience and navigate the complexities of their feelings more effectively.

Grief is a profoundly individual experience, and while it may be painful, understanding its multifaceted nature can empower you to cope more effectively. Embrace your feelings, reach out for support, and allow yourself the time and space to heal. And remember, many things can be grieved beyond our fellow human beings. The loss of pets, jobs and relationships are all equally valid.

By Gemma Bailey
https://peoplebuilding.co.uk/practitioners/gemma-bailey/