When people come to coaching, they usually arrive with one big question written all over their face: “Why do I still feel like this?”
But what they rarely expect is the question we ask back – a question so simple it can stop them in their tracks.
The Most Important Question in Coaching
“What do you want?”
That’s it. No drama. No jargon. Just:
What. Do. You. Want?
But here’s where it gets interesting – because most people can’t answer it. Or at least, not properly.
Instead, they tell you what they don’t want:
“I don’t want to feel anxious anymore.”
“I don’t want people to walk all over me.”
“I don’t want to dread work every day.”
If your answer starts with “I don’t want…” then you’re already facing the wrong direction.
This isn’t just a linguistic hiccup. It’s a fundamental psychological misfire. When we focus on what we don’t want, that’s what we feed. That’s what we notice. That’s what we reinforce.
And when it comes to emotional wellbeing and mental health, this one habit can quietly sabotage progress, over and over again.
Why Your Brain Loves the Wrong Goal
Your unconscious mind doesn’t register negation. It processes imagery, emotion, repetition – and it thrives on specificity.
So if you say “I don’t want to feel anxious,” what image does that create? A picture of anxiety.
Your brain doesn’t hear the “don’t.” It just receives the order:
⚠️ Anxiety, coming right up!
It’s the same with “I don’t want to get it wrong” or “I don’t want to be seen as weak.” All of these thoughts cue up the very emotional and behavioural patterns people are desperate to escape.
And what you focus on – even accidentally – grows.
How to Reprogramme Your Mind for Progress
So what can you do instead?
Start by writing down what you think you want.
Now scan it for words like not, don’t, shouldn’t, can’t, won’t, or avoid.
Scrub them out. What are you left with?
Your job is to reconstruct those sentences until they describe the positive version of your goal:
✅ “I want to feel calm in meetings.”
✅ “I want to speak clearly and confidently.”
✅ “I want to enjoy showing up for work.”
That one shift in language transforms a fear-based mindset into a purpose-driven one.
Why This Matters in Our Coaching Franchise
This isn’t just a technique for clients – it’s a foundational principle inside the People Building coaching franchise. We don’t help people run away from pain. We help them run towards something better.
And if you’re part of our coaching franchise, you’re trained to spot this invisible self-sabotage in the people you work with – whether they’re high-flying professionals or people rebuilding their confidence from the ground up.
The truth is, every conversation has the power to shift a mind. But only if you know what to listen for – and what to challenge gently but clearly when you hear it.
So whether you’re supporting others or working on yourself, remember this:
You can’t create a better life if all you ever describe is what you don’t want. Ask yourself – today – and answer with intent:
What. Do. You. Want?
by Gemma Bailey (with the help of Ai)
