If you feel it’s time to stop dragging people across the finish line, this email is for you.
Because in the world of coaching and therapy, one of the hardest pills to swallow is this: you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. No matter how skilled you are. No matter how much you care. No matter how transformational your coaching franchise or toolkit might be.
Coaching Alliance – Who Drives the Change Matters
I’ve had countless sessions over the years where someone walked into my office, not because they wanted to, but because someone else wanted them to. A partner. A parent. A doctor. A boss.
They sit there, arms folded. Polite, maybe. But detached. They don’t really see the problem. Or if they do, they don’t see it as theirs to fix.
And when you’re working with NLP, or frankly any meaningful modality, you need at least one essential ingredient: motivation. Without it, you’re rowing upstream with no oars, while the client is busy poking holes in the boat.
You can’t build momentum with someone who’s anchored in apathy.
The Search for the Right Thread to Pull
Sometimes, of course, motivation isn’t obvious. It’s buried under shame, resistance or fear. That’s when your skill as a practitioner really shines.
Recently, I worked with a man battling addiction. He said he loved serving others – helping people brought him joy. So I asked, “Would you agree that getting this sorted means you can continue to serve people?”
But his answer shocked me. “They don’t care. If I died tomorrow, it wouldn’t matter to them.”
So I dug deeper. “Who would care?” He paused. Then said, “God. He’s the only one I’d be scared to disappoint.”
That was our thread. The shift from pleasing others to not letting down his creator. From obligation to spiritual accountability.
We had something to work with. But if I hadn’t found that, the session would’ve gone nowhere.
If you don’t find the right lever, you won’t move the mind – or the behaviour.
Sometimes the Most Motivating Thing You Can Do is Say No
Just yesterday, I had a consultation with someone sent by a family member. I got three-quarters through and asked, “How important is it to you to sort this out, on a scale of 0 to 10?”
She said, “Zero.”
Now, I could have worked hard to find her motivation. Talked about consequences. Built leverage. But deep down, I knew: this wasn’t going to become a paying client. And more importantly, I didn’t want to drag someone through change they hadn’t asked for.
So I told her gently but clearly:
“I don’t work with people who aren’t motivated to solve their problems. I hope you get there one day, but for now – that’s a wrap.”
Because sometimes, the best way to create motivation is to reject someone. Give them the emotional weight of not being taken care of. Show them what it’s like to not be rescued. And let the reality of being stuck spark their readiness to act.
Your job is to provide the tools, the skills, and the structure – not to want it more than they do.
This is Why Our Coaching Franchise Works
In the People Building coaching franchise, we teach practitioners not only the therapeutic skills, but the strategic mindset required to handle moments like this.
We’re not in the business of “fixing” people. We’re in the business of equipping people who are ready. That means knowing when to engage – and when to step back.
If you’re part of our coaching franchise or thinking of joining, know this: your power isn’t just in what you offer. It’s in who you offer it to – and when.
You don’t need to convince everyone. Just the ones who are ready to rise.
by Gemma Bailey (with the help of Ai)
